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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24747964">third degree damage</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen'>royalgreen (allyoop)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Clock Hands [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Developing Relationship, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friends to Enemies, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Reveal, Kissing, M/M, Pining, Revelations, Secrets, Slow Build, Spoilers through Episode 99, but also like both of them need a hug tbh, but then eventually:, dare I tag this:</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:54:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,859</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24747964</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Essek is in hot water, but he doesn't want to get out.</p><p>Caleb turns up the heat because he knows they can withstand the fire.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Clock Hands [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768333</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>196</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Essek</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>SPOILERS AHEAD. If you have not seen through episode 99, be warned. </p><p>It isn't really required to read the previous fic in this series, as long as you enter this one with the idea there is an established developing relationship between Caleb and Essek :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> “Thank you, friend.” </em>Caleb had said, placing a hand on Essek’s shoulder.</p><p>He was still leaning over, finishing the sigil in the sand, and looked up into Caleb’s face. It was hard to see with him silhouetted against the bright sun, but Essek could still spot the crinkles at his eyes, the upward turn of the mouth. He was smiling, in his quiet Caleb way. </p><p>A few other <em> thank yous! </em> peppered up from the crowd.</p><p>Essek straightened up and nodded. “Of course.” He indicated the almost-complete work beneath him, and Caleb took a step back from the circle.</p><p>He finished the last runic marking and the magic spun to pull him away. Essek held unblinking eye contact with Caleb until he was staring at the grey stone wall of his tower instead.</p><p> </p><p>Essek looked down at his hands, one still dusted with sand and the other clutching the parasol. His heart skittered a bit, but he squared his shoulders and headed down the tower towards his bed chambers. With no one there to see him, he floated quicker than necessary, his heartbeat pushing him into faster tempo.</p><p>He bypassed the arch into his main chambers, ducking into the corner beside it. For a moment, he pondered casting a mirror behind him to keep a self walking the other direction, but after two teleportations that day he deemed it an overly cautious waste. Essek reached the inconspicuous sidedoor and grazed a single finger across the handle. He heard the familiar pattern of soft <em> click-click-clicks </em>, then pushed the door open.</p><p>Essek was almost there, <em> almost </em> . He shut the door a little too firmly behind him, his composure starting to waver. His fingers flickered with muscle memory as he pushed away from the door, sealing it magically behind him, and staggered towards his bed. He sat on the edge (‘ <em> sat’ being generous, it was almost a sideways fall) </em>, dropped the parasol on the sheets next to him, and immediately collapsed his head into his hands. It was only because he knew no one could see him now, not with certain clever runes hidden amongst his wall stones, that he finally let his posture sink down and down.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What. Was. He. Doing?! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He pressed his palms against his eyes, sending glittering sparks behind them, and let out a deep ragged sigh. He was used to complications, used to keeping composure in the most difficult of situations, but this was practically self-sabotage. With everything he still needed to do, all the delicate plans just barely balanced on edge, he decided <em> now </em> would be a great time to start kissing the human wizard?!</p><p>Essek dragged his hands down his face, a little sand scratching against his cheek. He had <em> wanted to </em> , plain and simple, and he had acted on it. No days of planning, no careful thinking, just <em> kissed him back </em>, and then again, and again, and again. </p><p><em> Friend </em> , Caleb had still called him, just minutes ago. They were fine then, still fine, their friendship intact, the trust still there. His plans needed that trust, <em> he </em> needed that trust. He needed Caleb-</p><p>He grappled with his mantle clasp, pulling it roughly off and letting it drop to the floor, feeling suddenly much too hot in all these layers.</p><p>Caleb had called him <em> friend </em> and in that instant moment Essek had felt <em> joy, </em> then disappointment, then a little hope mixed with sad. It was insanity, he didn’t even know he was capable of feeling so many things at once. He had been spending too much time with the Nein, with Caleb, their expressions were rubbing off on him.</p><p>For a brief second he imagined spending less time with them, choosing to back away, and that same cacophony of feelings hit him again. A million things fired off in his head and heart, most of them summarized to <em> No. </em></p><p>He cared about them. Essek picked up the parasol and looked down at it in his lap. Somewhere between all these tangled plans he had forgotten the contingency clause for <em> friends </em> . And here he was now, willingly spending time with this group, helping them, teaching them, letting them into his home-<br/>He gripped the parasol tighter in his lap.</p><p>Caleb may be the one with the affinity for fire, but Essek knew he was toying with some wicked flames. Things were already in motion before the Mighty Nein had tripped and stumbled into his life, and too many choices already made. He knew dunamancy, yes, but he couldn’t rewind and undo his choices. He wouldn’t change them anyways. But ‘<em> no undeserved harm’ </em> was always a tenet of the plan, a point to which he had held firm. The Nein were improbably, disbelievingly, amazingly his <em> friends </em> and he didn’t want them thrown on the pyre if the plan started to implode. Of course Essek had devised an out (several in fact), that would take him far away from any accusations and punishments if anyone poked their noses in too far. But it was a getaway for one person; he never thought to include other people, never thought there would <em> be </em> anyone else to protect. How could he get all the Nein out, if he was found a traitor and they were tangled in amongst him? How could he shield them, protect Caleb-</p><p><em> Ah </em> . That was a different problem, a more dangerous problem. Essek’s intellectual curiosity had been piqued and then through all his hours with Caleb it had evolved into <em> emotional </em> curiosity, and - <em> Luxon help him </em> - now stroked into a terrible growing <em> physical </em> curiosity. A spark he had buried and forgotten amongst his years of work, his research, his lies, was inflating into something he couldn’t push back down.</p><p> </p><p>Essek stood up suddenly, trying to leave those thoughts in the bed behind him, and crossed the room towards a small bookshelf by his desk. This was his bedroom, just one of them technically, but it was much smaller and much more important than the more visible chamber on this same floor. He traced a finger across one shelf, muttering an incantation, and then he pulled at a specific book. The book didn’t release in his hand, but rather shifted the whole shelf outward on invisible hinges. There was a heavy velvet curtain behind the shelf and Essek pushed it aside to reveal a small alcove carved into the stone. It took some rearranging but he was able to fit the parasol in at an angle without fear of it falling back out. He took a long moment to gaze at each object, sentimental as he was already feeling, taking time he didn’t normally indulge in. There was a leather-bound diary he kept when he was much younger, three letters carefully folded up, a dried flower with petals flaking from age, and a delicate metal bird figurine. And now the pink parasol, the largest object of the group, but of equal importance to the rest. He allowed himself one last breath in-and-out as he looked, then he closed the curtain, waved his hand, and the shelf closed to block it from view.</p><p>He felt a little better, no not necessarily <em> better </em> , but calmer and more composed. Essek went back to his bed, reaching down to pick up the mantle again. Then he paused. He was alone in his tower, he didn’t <em> need </em> to. It was a wild thought, but Essek kind of liked it.</p><p>He left his room and headed towards his study, there was still work to be done today.</p><p> </p><p>The mantle was left behind on the floor.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Caleb</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Caleb had called Essek <em> friend </em>, and that’s why it hurt so much as he watched through monkey-Frumpkin’s eyes as Essek and Ludinus spoke. </p><p>Beau was still leaning against his arm, usually a comfort, but now a necessary tether as Caleb felt he might just erode away. He forced himself steady, needing to watch and document, but his throat tasted like bile and there was a growing pain where he dug his fingers sharp into his own palm.</p><p>
  <em> What did this mean? </em>
</p><p>He couldn’t overwhelm his vision with assumptions and emotions, not now, not yet. He stayed silent, watching them converse about the beacon, the prisoners, some sort of exchange. He watched Ludinus show surprise at Essek’s change in demeanor, watched Essek warmly say ‘<em> friends’ </em>.</p><p>Caleb felt a little of that warmth threaten tears at his eyes, but witness as he was, he could not squeeze them shut nor blink them away.</p><p> </p><p>Caleb had called Essek <em> friend </em> . And he had meant it, he had <em> grown </em> to trust him. He had unstitched his ruined heart just enough to fit in the shape of a new friend and now Essek was-</p><p>He had done-</p><p> </p><p>Caleb didn’t understand, he didn’t have all the information. He didn’t really <em> know </em> what Essek had done, not fully. Caleb had his theories, he could connect the dots (he was intelligent, after all. Even as terrible of a person he was, he still knew he was smart). </p><p>He clenched his jaw, forcing his emotions back down his throat, and added an extra steel layer to that box. He wouldn’t lead with his emotions, not now, he had to let logic and knowledge set his path.</p><p>Until he heard it from Essek’s own lips, Caleb wasn’t going to let the sting of betrayal sink his whole self.</p><p>(<em> Caleb thought he could see uncertainty in his eyes, hesitation as he spoke. Essek looked conflicted. Caleb </em> assumed <em> Essek was conflicted; feelings with their rosy tint could lie. Caleb wished Essek was conflicted, wanted him to be, clung to that hope- </em> <em></em><br/>
 <em> No. </em> <br/>
Feelings can lie.) </p><p>He grabbed at Beau a little tighter, watching the conversation wrap up and the visage of Essek morph into his disguise again. Lord Thain started walking back up to the deck of the ship. Caleb snapped his fingers for Frumpkin.</p><p> </p><p>“Man, look at the seagulls, just the pinnacle of beauty, so white and...gully.”</p><p>“Beau you’re making this more suspicious-”</p><p>“The seagulls! Look how they-”</p><p>Caleb squeezed Beau’s shoulder to get her attention. Caleb sensed him before he heard him (<em> prestidigitation for the footsteps, perhaps? </em> ), his mind had been a ticking clock this whole time and they weren’t that many steps away from the boat. Lord Thain <em> -Essek- </em> was walking past them.</p><p>“Oh heyyy!” Jester waved at him. The rest of the Nein hopped to with overly friendly smiles and waves.</p><p>Thain gave a polite nod. “Have a good day.” He moved to walk past them.</p><p>“See you at the party!” Jester called.</p><p>“Er, yes, indeed. See you then.”</p><p>Caleb couldn’t quite meet Lord Thain’s eyes, bouncing between his shoulder and hair, not quite looking. Only trained manners kept his mouth moving. “Pleasure meeting you.” </p><p>Thain’s eyes slid over to meet Caleb’s. He paused. “You as well.” And then continued past, hurry in his step.</p><p>(<em> Caleb wished that he knew great dunamancy in that moment and had the ability to freeze time. He wanted to stop the world moving for just a minute, time enough to look Thain directly in his eyes, to find Essek behind them. Time to read that expression, analyze it, find regret if there was any to be found. But the world stopped for no one. </em>)</p><p>“Perhaps it would be a good time to stop back at the Balleater.” Caleb loudly interrupted. His group of friends quieted to look at him with questions in their eyes. “We should examine the ship top to bottom. Make sure that it is in working order.”</p><p>Fjord raised an eyebrow. “Sure, let’s all go back to the Ball Eater. I guess we can inspect it again?”</p><p>They walked back in silence. They inspected the deck and found no spying eyes. And then Caleb told them what he discovered about <em> ‘our good friend, Essek’ </em> . Their reactions overlapped with gasps, and curses, and shock, and Caleb let it all wash it over him. It was background noise to his brain; calculating possibilities, re-analyzing every moment Essek had spent with the Nein ( <em> and every moment he had spent alone with Essek, moments he had thought special, moments where he may have just been used </em>). </p><p>“He said we were friends.” The genuine hurt in Jester’s voice cut through Caleb’s inner monologue. As usual, she voiced the emotion he wished he could say aloud.</p><p>“Hard to read.” Caleb met Jester’s eyes. “Hard to read.”</p><p>They broke back into quick conversation, theories and worries, a range of wild “caught-ya!” plans and more reasoned thoughts. Yasha joked <em> “kill him” </em> and Caleb felt his stomach drop, but it was a joke ( <em> thank gods it was a joke </em>).</p><p>It was clear they didn’t know enough. It was clear they wanted to trust him, wanted to cling to the scraps of hope even as the sun beat down to blanche them.</p><p>“We don’t want to put him in danger if his intentions are good.” Fjord said. </p><p>“He did say we were friends.” Jester repeated.</p><p>“Intentions and actions are rarely connected.” Caduceus spoke up. “They're distant cousins. I mean, it's true. Think about everybody here. This is a whole group of people with some issues.”</p><p><em> And that was the problem, one of them, </em> Caleb thought. Essek was a friend of the Mighty Nein and that <em> meant </em> something. He had been accepted into their weird little family by all of them, not just Caleb, all of them had trusted him to some degree. Whatever Essek was tangled in, whatever he did, he had done to all of them. And that made it so much more complicated and terrible to consider.</p><p> </p><p>The Nein (<em> his family, his friends </em>) decided the best plan was to gather more information and the conversation then shifted towards the party and finding Nott’s spell components instead. </p><p> </p><p>Caleb’s brain kept whirring. His heart kept beating. The initial hurt was dissipating, but it left a vacuum hole of disappointment instead. He had been proven correct, horribly correct. That simmering voice of worry he had been stamping out as the months progressed had been right; Essek was the mole all along, and Caleb had been wrong to trust him.</p><p>
  <em> What else have I been wrong about? </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you've been following along by chapter titles, you can probably guess chapter 3 is "Essek &amp; Caleb".... :)</p><p>Thank you to every reader for comments and kudos! Much appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Essek and Caleb</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were dressed beautifully, each wearing silks and velvets and fineries beyond what they’ve ever worn before. Crystal glasses and elaborate gardens surrounded them, the gentle song of the Ruby wafting in the air, and in usual Mighty Nein fashion they were ignoring it all to chase a now un-petrified former-friend across the lawns. Lord Dezran Thain, in reality Essek as they all knew now (<em> and he knew they knew </em>), had magic-jumped to appear outside the fence, now looking back at them all. His expression was hard to read at this distance, a recurring theme Caleb now resented.</p><p>“Hey, stop.” Caduceus held up a hand, power running through his words. Essek stopped where he stood, miraculously frozen again as they approached.</p><p>Essek still wore Thain's face, but he looked nervous. Caleb hung back, watching and analyzing like he was best skilled at. There was fear behind the nerves. <em> Was it fear for himself, or did he worry for them all? </em></p><p>They went back to the boat, a walk that felt twice as long for the incendiary cloud of <em> fight-or-flight </em> that hung above them all. It was a mercy Marius and Orly didn’t intercept and wonder what they were doing with this well-dressed stranger, far away from the party they had all prepped and pampered so long for. </p><p>Caleb breathed and counted, <em> in-and-out, in-and-out, </em> hoping the steel trap of emotions he carried inside would hold fast. He looked down at Essek with all the cold detachment he could muster, turning down the heat of his feelings. This was just another traitor, another interrogation. Caleb had done this before.</p><p>The steel transmuted into words, staccato and sharp. “We have a limited amount of time and I would love for you to see the sunrise. So if there is a reasonable explanation, we would love to hear it.” The threat hung in blades above Essek’s head, waiting. </p><p>Essek only sighed, a heavier sound than Caleb had ever heard the drow make before. “It’s complicated to express.” And then he lowered himself to a crate before the Nein, feet firmly on the floor, mantle rumpled beneath him.</p><p>And he talked. And they all listened. He didn’t say everything, it was clear he danced around the darkest bits and only explained the parts he thought would be easiest digested. (As Caduceus so wisely observed, <em> If he says it out loud then he's going to have to hear what it is, and he's not going to like who he is when he hears it. </em>) A truth Caleb himself swallowed around like glass.</p><p>Essek talked, and Caleb listened. He let the steel melt and the bladed words fall useless. He believed him; Essek was many things, and he wasn’t saying it all, but the pain tingeing his words was real. The warmth in his admittance of liking them was real. His fear, yes also for himself, but for all their safety was <em> real </em>.</p><p>Essek hung his shoulders and ducked away from their eye contact and Caleb saw himself, his old self. He saw his past in the trail of Essek’s decisions, in his thirst for knowledge, in the pedestal he was forced upon and then convinced he was worthy of. In his ambition to keep that position, to pursue what he was told was impossible, to decipher the world and then bend it to his will.</p><p>In his self-reliance, in his unshakable belief that to pursue great things was to pursue them alone. Only to have life throw you into the way of other people; people who will show you <em> truth </em> if you let them in under your skin. Friends who will show you that your beliefs were mutable after all; friends who will show you that true greatness comes from what you can achieve <em> together </em>. </p><p>Caleb had walked into this conversation wanting to be teeth and razor’s edge, to bite to the bone to find truth. But he couldn’t; he had come too far. Looking into a mirror, into Essek, didn’t fill him with the same loathing as it once did a year ago. Now looking into the mirror, he saw himself standing beside friends.</p><p>And so he offered himself to Essek, knelt down to him, equal and even on the ground. He offered his hands, his lips, his words. Caleb reached out in the way he knew the Nein had bridged to him; he offered not a rescue or shortcut, but a guide. A friend.</p><p>This was a hole Essek would need to climb out himself, and he needed to <em> want </em> to change; but Caleb saw (he knew, he <em> knew </em> he saw) that thread of a second chance. There was hope. This wasn’t the Volstrucker in the dungeon, ready to die for her twisted beliefs. This wasn’t Astrid blind with her ill-fated ambition. There was admittance, there was flexibility, there was <em> change </em> already happening behind Essek’s eyes. He just needed to grab it, follow it, and push through every uncomfortable, terrible, rewarding step.</p><p>He pressed a kiss to his forehead, like a spell <em> (fortune’s second chances, like you taught me) </em> , whispered how they could choose to do better together <em> (leave each town better than you found it, like Mollymauk taught me) </em> . He tried to tell Essek in every way he could: <em> try again, keep trying, we’ll be here, we’ll stay. </em></p><p> </p><p>There is some more conversation, truths still coming to light as they asked for more and Essek kept giving. Caleb still knelt, watching Essek’s face, sparing no glance towards the others. His intensity had Essek looking away as he spoke, like his natural aversion to the sun kept him from staring right into Caleb’s expression.</p><p>But then he faced forward to match that sightline. “I have far more allegiance to you, than I do any Empire or Dynasty.”</p><p>Caleb knew he was speaking directly to him, each syllable honest. Perhaps the clearest truth that had been said that night. Caleb’s hand was still on Essek’s knee, unmoving through their conversation, and he gave it a squeeze as he replied-</p><p>Nott interrupted. “You are a broken person who had ill intentions and wandered aimlessly into a path that you had no intention or no idea how to complete. And yet somehow along the way, you found a heart. You sound like all of us. Welcome to The Mighty Nein.”</p><p>The cabin erupted in tired laughter as the tension in the room finally broke. Damage had been done, trust and confidences fractured, and nothing was really <em> fixed </em> that night. But a seed had been replanted in the scorched earth, and with time and care, maybe something could regrow.</p><p> </p><p>Essek reached out to place his hand on top of Caleb’s, no one looking at them in the moment, distracted by the sudden eruption of fireworks coming from the direction of the party they had abandoned seemingly a lifetime ago.</p><p>Caleb smiled at him in his quiet Caleb way, and Essek felt undeserving of it all, of their hope and second chances, but he would try.</p><p>For them, for <em> him </em>, he would try.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>One more bonus chapter after this. Warning, chapter 4 is spoilers through episode 99!</p><p>Thank you all for reading &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Damage Control</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Spoilers for episode 99.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Uk’otoa attacked. Fjord died. Fjord was revived, and now breathed without the orb still in him.</p><p>It had been, even in Mighty Nein history, a <em>wild </em> day.</p><p> </p><p>But then it was time for the peace talks, and despite their red-alert vigilance, everything was going shockingly well. They watched and waited, occasionally joined by the nervous appearance of Lord Thain, <em> Essek </em>, giving them insights and opinions on the proceedings.</p><p>The mood was tense, and a few more nights of sleep had softened (or sharpened) the clarity of Essek’s betrayal and their new opinion of him. While each spoke to him civilly, some warmer than others, there were still many steps ahead of him to prove he was steadfast and true in his pursuit of redemption that the Nein had offered him.</p><p> </p><p>On the evening of day one, the talks scheduled to continue in the next morning, Caleb received a summons. The Nein were grouped together on the gun deck, just about to bed down in the double safety of silver alarm thread and the familiar hut, when Marius rapped against the doorframe and shook Caleb from his ritual concentration.</p><p>“Have you killed anyone yet?” Yasha immediately asked.</p><p>Marius blanched and tried to ignore her and only held eye contact with Caleb. “Orly sent me down. There’s a visitor asking for you.”</p><p>“Visitor?” Jester’s head popped up from where she was already half-asleep curled next to Beau. “A nighttime visitor, Caleb? Who could that be?”</p><p>Caleb ignored her playfully salacious tone and stood up. “I’ll be right back. Whoever it is, I’ll keep it quick, so I can resume making the dome for us.”</p><p>“Maybe I should cast water-breathing early…” He heard Fjord mutter as he left to go above deck.</p><p> </p><p>He followed Marius upstairs and continued towards the starboard side as directed. Even in the dim light, Caleb could see a figure standing by the railing, looking out towards the ocean. Caleb recognized the visitor even in silhouette; only one person wore such a distinctive mantle. Caleb approached and the storm of feelings, of trying to be understanding but still <em> hurting, </em> rolled and broke against his ribs. They needed to talk, so much was still left unsaid, but he didn’t know if he wanted to right now. Everything still felt so fragile.</p><p>“Essek.” He said by way of greeting. </p><p>“Caleb, I-”</p><p>“Why are you here?” He couldn’t quite keep the sharp edge from his voice.</p><p>Essek looked a little shamed. “I shouldn’t have demanded your time in the middle of the night like this, I am sorry. I would like us to talk, hopefully soon, but on your timetable. Have Jester send a Message, I’ll leave you be for now.” He gave a brisk nod and started to step back. He was halfway through his incantation before Caleb spoke.</p><p>“Wait”.</p><p>Essek let the spell dissolve.</p><p> </p><p>Caleb turned to lean against the railing, eyes on Essek like an invitation. He crossed over to stand beside Caleb. Neither of them spoke and Essek didn’t know where to begin. He had already apologized to the group, already said he would <em> try </em> . But he still wanted to talk to Caleb alone, needed <em> him </em> to understand above all the others. And he needed to finally say what they’ve been avoiding all this time.</p><p>Essek turned to Caleb, his eyes searching. “It’s going to be different now, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Some things yes. But not everything.” Caleb returned his stare.</p><p>A few more minutes passed and Essek looked away to watch the ocean, the constant motion of the water sending reflections skipping along each wave, warping and weaving the images. It seemed three moons were out tonight; one bright in the sky, one dim behind it, and an orb just faintly reflected in the waters below. Mirrors upon mirrors.</p><p>“We are still friends.” He said after a while.</p><p>Caleb tugged at his sleeve in habit, thinking. He might have been mistaken but there was a hint of a question in Essek’s voice. <em> A bridge isn’t built alone </em>. “We are.” He replied reassuringly.</p><p>“And we are… more than friends.”</p><p>Caleb definitely heard the question in his voice. “We can be.” He filled those words with quiet conviction. He could see Essek’s shoulders relax a little at his response.</p><p>“Will you-” He turned to face Caleb. “How do…” He sighed and recomposed himself a little. “I’m not good at asking for what I want, or for help. I’ve always done the things I needed to do by myself. I’ve pursued, I’ve accomplished, I’ve excelled on my own.”</p><p>Caleb smiled wryly. “There’s a difference between independence and loneliness.” </p><p>“That I’ve learned.” He stepped closer and Caleb could see the uncertainty and worry knotting his brow. Caleb resisted an urge to place a kiss there again. “I feel like I should apologize to you for everything, not just my lies, for <em> everything </em> . What I did… it was worse because of who we are to each other, because it was to <em> you </em>.”</p><p>“Do you regret it?” Caleb felt his expression was a mirror now, <em> uncertain </em>.</p><p>“My past choices, or...us?” Essek lifted a hand out towards Caleb and then dropped it. “No. Never.”</p><p>There was another long pause, but neither of them turned away to gaze at the ocean this time. They were both searching each other’s expression (<em> for the same thing, Caleb hoped, for the same answer </em>). </p><p>Essek laughed quietly. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what words could...Is this how it always is?” He gestured between them.</p><p>“Relationships?” Caleb smiled. “I don’t think there’s a map. But I certainly wouldn’t know, I’m no expert.”</p><p>Essek leaned halfway closer, head tilted, just waiting. “What a pair we are.”</p><p>Caleb finished the move Essek had started, closing those last few inches to kiss him.</p><p> </p><p>Caleb hated that even in his mistrust, his disappointment, his hurt, he still couldn’t pull away. Still relished the sparks of static electricity that ran through his fingers, tingled his lips, as he touched Essek’s skin wherever clothes didn’t cover. He had lit this match knowing full well that after ignition came fire, and a matchstick is only so long. He didn’t let go.</p><p>Beginning gentleness gave way to a clash of teeth and tongue, Caleb pushing him firmly back against the railing, Essek gripping his collar to keep him from pulling away. They kissed for a while, their actions replacing any further conversation.</p><p> </p><p>Many minutes passed, the moons sank lower into the horizon, dipping below blue-black waves. When Essek caught his breath to say he needed to leave, Caleb inquired to where. Essek was retiring to his tower, it was much more comfortable than seafaring travel. Caleb asked if drow slept, Essek responded not much. He started to back away and Caleb grabbed him, fingers digging into his mantle, a faint smell of smoke hitting the wind.</p><p>“I don't trust you.”</p><p>“You’ve mentioned.”</p><p>“Don’t go.”</p><p>Essek’s expression was up close (<em> so close </em>) and Caleb could read him finally. He didn’t want to go. But his decision was still made. </p><p>Essek pulled Caleb’s hand gently off his mantle. “I don’t think you really want me to stay. Not tonight.”</p><p><em> Curse him, he’s right </em>. “Yes, it would be hard to explain to the Nein. Some of them need more time to…” He trailed off.</p><p>Essek nodded, his face closing off as habitual professionalism enveloped him again. “I’ll come back tomorrow, if you’ll have me.”</p><p>“Of course.” Caleb trusted him in this, at the least.</p><p> </p><p>Caleb returned to his friends and their questions and catcalls, having pried Marius for details on the mysterious visitor. He ducked and weaved around their queries until even Jester gave up getting anything more than “<em> We just talked </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>The dome rose above them and they could fight against sleep no more, each lulled by the rocking ship and the long rest they desperately needed.</p><p>Caleb went to sleep and dreams once again found him. But this time, not all of them were bad.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for every kudos and comment, its all super appreciated!</p><p>If you've read so far, here's a fun hint for the next Shadowgast fic I'm writing. Two words: Traveler Con. </p><p>:)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for every comment and kudos! I seriously appreciate each and every one of you :)</p><p>You can also find me crying about wizards on my <a href="https://caleb-says-nein.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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